A StupidBang is Better than Hairspray

Chick flicks don’t have to be lame...


Usually they are, and that makes me sad. Chicks are not lame, nor are flicks, so the typical lameness of chick flicks says a lot about society. Which you may discuss among yourselves. I just wanna say, between "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Transformers," "Becoming Jane," "No Reservations," and, I don’t know, "Hairspray," which would you wanna say defines you as a person?

Bourne: you are badass and attractive, and it doesn’t seem like you’re trying too hard. Overall, you are most successful when you trust your instincts, though you may want to work on your anger and revenge issues, and learn to limit your killing sprees. Still, your ability to be complex and yet also understood by everyone is really neat.

Transformers: you remind people of their childhood and seek to inspire confidence in those who may not have found their voice. Although you don’t always proceed logically and rely on trite or melodramatic expressions, you are exciting and visually stunning, and manage to convey a genuine sweetness. Plus, you totally saved the planet from evil alien robots.

Becoming Jane: seeking to ride on the successful coattails of others (Miss Potter, Finding Neverland, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, The Hours), you quickly fabricate your life story and exaggerate details with the assumption that those you interact with (girls) will blindly adore anything involving the words “true,” “love,” “Anne Hathaway,” and “Jane Austen,” and not notice facetiousness. By dismissing the truth, you deny others the chance to get to know a much more interesting and far more meaningful character. However, you do have lots of pretty dresses, your surroundings aren’t too shabby, and not everything you say is stupid.

No Reservations: you are predictable and easily forgotten, which is (kind of) surprising considering you contain some talent. Despite your good intentions and good looks, in your best moments all you can hope for is mildly amusing some people. In your worst moments, you reinforce negative stereotypes, waste other people’s money and time, and make people really hungry. However, a happy ending (but not that kind!) is inevitable, and you don’t cause people's eyes to bleed.

Hairspray: You cause people's eyes to bleed

I wouldn't hang out with most chick flicks (personified, like above...stay with me here) even if I was Oedipus Rex and like, already okay with eye-gouging, sex with creepy old women, the abadonment of hope, whatever. How are you gonna get me to pay $10 for that? If I wanna feel warm and fuzzy, I will read about celebrity babies or watch "The Fabulous Life of...." because, now that I think about it, isn't it wedding season? OH MY GOD I hope they do a fabulous weddings with Eva Longoria...she used to remind me of a well-groomed monkey, but I kinda like her since I found out she loves Forever 21 and sends thank you notes.

At any rate, girls can certainly like action flicks and guys can certainly like chick flicks, and, uhm, welcome to Political Correctness 101. That may or may not be a post for another day.

Without covering the entire history of like, film and gender studies, the reason I’m saying this is, I feel like I’m being anti-girl to diss movies that are, simultaneously, targeted for girls and clearly shitty. Like I’m offending my mom. Mostly because my mom really likes movies that have happy endings and a scene with girls singing in pajamas.

But I'm really not a bitch, I'm just a girl who loves the color pink, cute boys, puppies, babies, nice people, flowers, sunsets, love songs, Britney Spears...and also a girl who would rather watch something like "Evil Zombies That Eat Cute Boys, Puppies, Babies, and all Nice People in a World without the Color Pink while Britney Spears is Trapped in the Fifth Layer of Hell Where No Love Song can Reach Her!!!"" than watch most of the movies made for girls.

And I'm not the only person thinking this--these movies (chick flicks) aren’t drawing a lot of money and have really brief box office runs. Maybe because they alienate half the population (boys) and recycle plots, jokes, movie stars, and give the remaining half of the population little reason to see the movie when they could just watch "Friends" reruns and laugh way more. And while there are quite a few movies targeted towards boys with senseless plots and dialogue as natural as Diet Coke, these movies can still make money. Because girls AND guys will watch these, no matter how crappy, because things blow up and also, they are usually funnier. Not smarter, but probably funnier.

All I’m saying is, if they won’t make smarter, better chick flicks, they could maybe blow things up in them. Starting with "Hairspray." At the part when they first sing, probably.