TV Shows are like boyfriends

Right now, my DVR is the most predictable and boring part of my life. In this peaceful hiatus before the impending deluge of Season Premieres, my DVR box is home pretty much only to The Daily Show. However, as the B-list shows start seeping their way back into my TV box... (read: The Hills, which I was surprised yet stoked to find out I actually record. It might be a leftover from an old roommate, but you know what, I fully enjoy the way they convey drama on that show.

Heidi: "So, yeah, I'm moving in with my evil toothy boyfriend."

Lauren [always]: contemplative yet injured and perplexed stare. Don't use your words, LC. Words are overrated when you WORK AT A MAGAZINE AND ALSO STAR ON A TV SHOW. Gosh, I guess dialogue is just not your strong suit. Cut to LA montage.) ...I find myself in a familiar quandry.

Ok, so long aside, but...



those Laguna Beach shows and all of their spin-offs are just straight genius. But that brings me to a more unfortunate epiphany. I plan on keeping The Hills in my life, for reasons I may elaborate on at a later time. However, there is this other show that has Jim Gaffigan (whom I freaking love) on it, but really it does just truly suck and I think it's time for us to break up. With my finger on the Edit Recordings button, I realize that television has elevated itself to a place in our culture where we have full-blown relationships with TV shows. Even most of those annoying people who never shut up about how they never watch TV actually do watch TV and have these little affairs.

For me, it works like this: I get involved. It can happen any number of ways, like maybe my boyfriend is obsessed with it already (LOST). Or maybe I read the recaps on Television Without Pity for a year since I don't get HBO (Big Love). Or perhaps, the planets aligned for a moment of perfect kharma and I simply stumble upon it (Project Runway). It doesn't really matter how it happens at first, just like real people relationships. What matters is the ensuing courtship. I test them out for a week or maybe two. If they suck, I dump them (Top Design). If they have potential of being an Intelligent Bang, I get a bit more serious (Heroes). It's when they start to define me as a person, or at the very least become weekly rituals that I secretly sort of obsess about inside for a minute or two every couple of days (The O.C.) that I realize I am in a committed relationship. I am vulnerable. If the show is brilliantly acted and written apparently by geniuses but two seasons in it becomes predictable and redundant, I might actually be crushed by this turn of events. I will probably keep watching for at least the rest of the season if not longer in hope of a reformation, but every date we have will be anticipated with a mixture of dread and foolish hope.

How true this is to the patterns of my actual romantic endeavors. I am a monogamist at my core, too many good TV shows and I get overwhelmed and inexplicably guilty. I am loyal to a fault, if the truth be told, I will follow a show I love to the shark jump and further still to its watery grave, defending it all the way (The O.C. again, more on that later). I hate to select that "Stop Recording this show" option, but I hate it even more when they break up with me.