Pride and Prejudice V: The Jane Ultimatum

My vacation this year consisted of a marathon of Shakespeare plays and lots of hippies, yuppies and yippies. I took a break from the Bard to see a movie. In a town built on live theatre, the movie selection is slim pickins, but there was Becoming Jane, the prequel to a series of movies that fall slavishly at the feet of the sarcastic authoress and her much idolized leading villain Darcy, not as she wrote him, but as we interpret him, courtesy of Colin Firth. And who doesn't love Colin Firth, really? Girls, if you actually read Pride and Prejudice, you will realize it's not Darcy you're in love with. It's Colin...


So, back to Jane Austen: There has to be a reason she never got married that has everything to do with ROMANCE and nothing to do with FEMINISM(working title). Dudes, what is our obsession with Austen? Let's just say, as the movie ever so subtly concludes that she did write the greatest novels in the English language. WHY do you care so much that she apparently never had some kind of witty repertoire with a misunderstood British hottie? What's next, the "true story" of how Mary Shelley actually did steal body parts from corpses to create her very own Frankenlover but they could never be together because society just couldn't accept their love so she dropped him off in Antarctica and wrote a book based on her life?
As great as that movie could be (Kiera Knightly as Shelley, Russell Crowe as Frankenlover), it's about as based in reality as Becoming Jane. Watching that movie was like watching the Titanic, but without the steamy car sex scene. You know this ship is going down.
Austen lovers, a word of advice: you need to pick the Jane you love. Is her writing great because of the clever dialogue and the convenient resolutions via marriage device or is it great because of the subtle social criticisms that are thinly veiled behind the Victorian facade? If you want to love every word Austen ever wrote, go right ahead. But realize you either love the earliest form of harlequin novels or you love the adamant feminist.
Disclaimer: (spoiler alert!) I actually really liked this movie. I love Anne Hathaway and this version of P&P, for that's really all it is, actually does pay tribute to Austen's penchant for irony and acknowledges the dire situation of women for which a profitable marriage was the only solution. I just thought it was a stretch. Some guy she knew in passing and wrote a few lines about in some casual notes to her sister is somehow her great unrequited love? Oh wait, he named his daughter Jane. Undeniable proof. I think we just can't stand to imagine that Austen could write great love stories without falling in love. Or maybe we just can't stand to think that her stories aren't about love at all. Read more!

Hey There, Delilahs!

There is this song on the radio. You may have heard it. If you haven't, please, please, please tell how this is possible?

This DJ was making a joke about how there's gonna be all these little girls named Delilah, all born in the summer of 2007, and so, everyone should "fight the urge...do not, under any circumstances, name your kid Delilah...especially if you're expecting a boy...seriously, I know you thing this song is 'your' song, but there will be way too many Delilahs in the future, do not name your kid..."



Then he went on for awhile about adoptions and whatnot. But the joke stuck in my head, as does the song.

Everyone thinks it's their song, everyone loved it...now its getting overplayed, the more cynical are starting to turn against it...

There's "Hey Ya!" and then there's "Mambo No.5."

The fact that your mom, your dentist, and that douchebag next door who wears "Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot" shirts can all sing all three songs DOES NOT mean the song sucks or you suck. (Unless you are the douchbag who wears those shirts. Seriously, can you please get yourself on a makeover show? Or just stop shopping at Hot Topic and Anchor Blue? Be a rebel, go to the Gap, and compensate for the lack of a message on your shirt with something like, a personality, or, even better, massive biceps. Then, it will be implied that the girlfriends of the world think you are hot. Honestly, until they start making shirts that say "Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot...But she will figure out I am a douchebag in two seconds, so don't sweat it" shirts, do not purchase false confidence or anything else that implies that the message you are wearing is the most you have ever read. I will gladly shop for you, if need be.) Thats pretty much the credo at IntelligentBang. Well, not in so many words.

You know how people think "this is is probably the right way, everyone else is going this way," and then, sure enough, find themselves on the right freeway? But then again, that same thought can lead to being stuck in traffic with everyone else trying to get the hell out of Disneyland, or wherever, while one or two geniuses went against the grain and drove straight out of another exit?

Well, "Hey There Delilah" is like finding the freeway.

Not the freeway to love, or life. That's too easy. Jeez.

The song works because it feels real. Of course, its catchy and sounds sorta simple like maybe you could play it, and it rhymes in some places, and its hopeful. And its about love...of a girl. Which everyone in the world either is, or has also been in live with at some point. Unless you are gay, in which case, the sentiment still works? And also, it's a little about love of something far away, and how someday you'll have it, and you know you're gonna have to suffer a little bit, and your friends might make fun of you, but, someday, you will be happy with whatever or whoever you love, if you just do what needs to be done in the meantime, if you can endure the hard times a little longer. Mostly its about Delilah, though.

But find me a catchy, simple love song about someone far away and I will reward you with something equally rare, like Top Ramon or a Starbucks. Like, I'll show you the Starbucks, I won't give it to you. Also, this is not an actual challenge.

I'm just saying, if you reduce the song to its elements, there isn't a clear reason this is the song on everyone's lips, and not, say, an Ash song or a John Mayer song or something. The lyrics aren't overtly deep or impressive-- he rhymes "city" and "girl, tonight you look so pretty." And the lyrics drive the whole song--the melody is not face-melting-guitar-solo friendly, its soft and acoustic and basic.

Then it starts getting specific. Like, this girl isn't generic, its Delilah. His Delilah. And he's not trying to sound smart or clever, he's just talking to his girl. And she's far away, and maybe she's not too sure this long distance thing will work, and her friends keep telling her she should move on, and maybe she's confused. So, he writes this. He's written other songs for her, but he wrote them the same way you talk to your person on the phone differently when you're with your friends or in the store. He wrote for her in public. This song he wrote like how you talk to someone when you're both in bed alone, and the other person is far away, and this is as close as you can be. He wrote for his Delilah, who was probably sort flipping out, and they probably hung up and she was mad that he wasn't saying anything, and so he wrote this, for that girl. It's real. Which is brilliant.

So, Delilahs of the future, this ones for you...and you...and you.

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
Read more!

Igotmyeyeon YOU!

HBO's "John From Cincinnati" was canceled...



I was thinking about this when listening to a commercial for "LasikPlus Vision Center." The commercial offers, I swear to John's Father, $200.00 off Lasik eye surgery to the first 500 callers. Also, you pay nothing until 2009, and then you can pay interest free payments of just $48.00 a month. The part of me that wears contacts was thinking, awesome. The rest of me was thinking, what the hell, is this furniture or surgery? Like, dear Lord, is this the sort of establishment that did Tara Reid's plastic surgery? And then I had images of people with vision corrected eyes that, unfortunately, were no longer in the person's eye sockets. But, who knows, this place also has the experience of over 800,000 surgeries. (There is still the part of me that wears contacts thinking, eh, my eyeballs might not make it anyway, considering how often I sleep in my contacts; don't wanna be burning bridges.)

So, that train of thought led me to, "I got my eye on you, LasikPlus Vision Center!" (What kind of a name is LasikPlus? Don't surgeons usually name their practice after themselves, a saint, or a tree? What is the "plus" anyway? Hummel figurines? Elvis plates? The phone number, by the way, is something classy like "1-800-XXX-EYES." Swear to John's Father in Cincinnati.) And that reminded me that "John from Cincinnati" only made it through one season.

Maybe you never watched the show. That doesn't matter, because I watched every episode and it didn't matter, either. The show made as much sense as...well, about as much sense as the above line of reasoning. Maybe less. But it was still kind of great.

And it is no more. This makes me sad, because the show had lots of potential, sure, but mainly because there were so many one-liners that are now homeless.

"I got my eye on you!"

"There's some things I know, and some things I don't know."-------changed to "I don't know Butchie instead."

"Just took a dump a grown man would be proud of!"

"Look at the breasts on these women. This country is doomed."

I'm just saying, if I say, as I often do, "I don't know Butchie instead," people will look at me like I am a weirdo, as they often do, and if I say, by way of explanation, "You know, 'John from Cincinnati?'" they will not know. Maybe now, but not for much longer.

Bill, Vietnam Joe, Butchie, Palaka, Freddy, Ramon, Dickstein, John Monad, and the rest--well, mostly Bill and Co., but the rest too. Kai was cool. I didn't ever want to kill Shaunie. Linc.

Actually, everyone on the show was pretty cool, except Cass was boring, Mitch was annoying, and Cissy made my ears bleed.

Speaking off Cissy, and ads that transcend genres:

"Are you sitting in your kitchen on 7th street, thinking of blowing off your head with your gun you got back from Kai’s trailer? Have you completely run out of whatever let you put up with your asshole husband for 31 years…do you feel that everything you ever touched in your entire life, you turned to shit and mud?....Do you hurt so bad, you want it to just quit and be over? Everything? Well, let me tell you about our offer, Cissy. We prefer you don’t. We wish you wouldn’t. Our offer is: keep going, feeling just as miserable, or worse. Hold the gun under the spigot and turn the water on. Spare Shaun finding you dead in the kitchen. And as a bonus, you’ll also receive … his love. Act now, Cissy. Baptize that fucking pistol!"

Now, is that anti-suicide, or an ad for carpet cleaner?

Maybe the dude that wrote the LasikPlus ad was a fan of John, and was inspired by John's ability to turn an ad for carpet cleaner into something more meaningful. Maybe, in the spirit of John, we should let go off preconceptions about what things should be, and what things should sound like, and just let things be.

Maybe, or maybe me, the LasikPlus ad people, and most of John from Cincinnati, are full of shit. Or, maybe just LasikPlus. I'm putting my money on that one. Read more!

Trojan Should Support Greek (Vol.1)

...because, who doesn't appreciate clever advertising that relates ancient historical rivalry with safe sex? Seriously, that could really work, because then the audience would learn about different condom options AND legendary Hellenic battles. That would for sure qualify as an IntelligentBang (noun, referring to pop culture that doesn't use the lowest common denominator of intelligence to make an impact).



And it could further fuel the ridiculous battle between reality and the myth of "abstinence only" as a sure-fire way to eliminate STDs and teen pregnancy. Because, this show, "Greek," is on ABCFamily. And, people, who are on the show, have sex. Also; the people having sex are not all losing their virginity in a fit of angst and emo songs. They have sex the way normal people do in college, so sometimes its even wihout a soundtrack. Except Rusty. But he just got a girlfriend, so the show's only virgin is gonna start sooner than later--and its not unreasonable to expect that when he does lose it, some angst and emo songs will be involved. But its just the one, plus emo can be quite fitting for such occasions, according to my sources. So can Queen's "We are the Champions," but to each his own.

So I'm stoked that this show exists, pleasantly surprised about the relatively realistic, uncodemning depiction of college life (by which I mean, 7th Heaven this ain't) and I'm pretty sure that I haven't been drunk every time I've watched it, so I'm gonna stick to my current stance that the show is an IntelligentBang (a noun which sorta sounds like a drinking game now--apparently I'm thirsty). But man, I don't think ABCFamiliy (even though its cooler than I'd thought) and all the weird angry letter writing parents out there would quietly accept the support of a company that is directly related to SEX, even though thus far they've accepted: a nymphomaniac sort of campus slut, a Senator's daughter sort of evil girl who has sex with other people's boyfriends and DOESN'T FEEL BAD, a boyfriend having sex with not his girlfriend but also not a total schmuck that nice girls stay away from, a girl responding to boyfriend having sex with not her by being righteously angry and hurt and then smoothly coached into sleeping with another guy to make it even, a BOY having sex with a BOY, a super-awesome "My virginity is not a gift, its a burden, and I'm going to lose it tonight" speech delivered by the show's adorable moral compass character to a PURITY PLEDGE organization, an honest and interesting struggle for boyfriend and girlfriend to see each other sexually and have sex with each other after the cheating, a sex-tape on a cell phone with blackmail potential, nymphomaniac campus slut being pretty upbeat and bent on continuing said lifestyle including taking calls from her mother in the act, and, and some others, and like, a biblical sex joke, which went something like, "Yeah I know your sister...in the biblical sense." (Which I still think is funny as a line, and also the way the kid reacted was priceless...just reading it makes me giggle, but I think maybe you'd need to watch it...if you want, whatever, ABCFamily doesn't know who the hell I am. Yet. I just meant for the sake of the joke, anyway.) Now clearly, condoms would cross a line, right? I mean, condoms would make you think the sexual nature of the show is causing young people to have sex, and thats terrible, because they wouldn't even know what sex was unless they saw it on TV, and they wouldn't dare do it until they found out about the condom loophole, so young people are probably throwing their moral upbringings to the wind and having sex with abandon, thanks to Trojan and Greek. Or however the hell that logic works. So...that might be a better marketing scheme on a different network, one in which parents are not involved? Or I'm an idiot, who knows.

Anyway, "Greek," plain and simple, is awesome. The only way it could be more awesome would be the addition of more awesome, such as Paul Rudd, who could not be more awesome even if he fixed the air-conditioning in my apartment and explained "John from Cincinnati" to me. Wait. If he could explain "John from Cincinnati," I guess then his awesomeness would just surpass human understanding and approach godliness. Ah, Paul Rudd.

Read more!

A StupidBang is Better than Hairspray

Chick flicks don’t have to be lame...


Usually they are, and that makes me sad. Chicks are not lame, nor are flicks, so the typical lameness of chick flicks says a lot about society. Which you may discuss among yourselves. I just wanna say, between "The Bourne Ultimatum," "Transformers," "Becoming Jane," "No Reservations," and, I don’t know, "Hairspray," which would you wanna say defines you as a person?

Bourne: you are badass and attractive, and it doesn’t seem like you’re trying too hard. Overall, you are most successful when you trust your instincts, though you may want to work on your anger and revenge issues, and learn to limit your killing sprees. Still, your ability to be complex and yet also understood by everyone is really neat.

Transformers: you remind people of their childhood and seek to inspire confidence in those who may not have found their voice. Although you don’t always proceed logically and rely on trite or melodramatic expressions, you are exciting and visually stunning, and manage to convey a genuine sweetness. Plus, you totally saved the planet from evil alien robots.

Becoming Jane: seeking to ride on the successful coattails of others (Miss Potter, Finding Neverland, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, The Hours), you quickly fabricate your life story and exaggerate details with the assumption that those you interact with (girls) will blindly adore anything involving the words “true,” “love,” “Anne Hathaway,” and “Jane Austen,” and not notice facetiousness. By dismissing the truth, you deny others the chance to get to know a much more interesting and far more meaningful character. However, you do have lots of pretty dresses, your surroundings aren’t too shabby, and not everything you say is stupid.

No Reservations: you are predictable and easily forgotten, which is (kind of) surprising considering you contain some talent. Despite your good intentions and good looks, in your best moments all you can hope for is mildly amusing some people. In your worst moments, you reinforce negative stereotypes, waste other people’s money and time, and make people really hungry. However, a happy ending (but not that kind!) is inevitable, and you don’t cause people's eyes to bleed.

Hairspray: You cause people's eyes to bleed

I wouldn't hang out with most chick flicks (personified, like above...stay with me here) even if I was Oedipus Rex and like, already okay with eye-gouging, sex with creepy old women, the abadonment of hope, whatever. How are you gonna get me to pay $10 for that? If I wanna feel warm and fuzzy, I will read about celebrity babies or watch "The Fabulous Life of...." because, now that I think about it, isn't it wedding season? OH MY GOD I hope they do a fabulous weddings with Eva Longoria...she used to remind me of a well-groomed monkey, but I kinda like her since I found out she loves Forever 21 and sends thank you notes.

At any rate, girls can certainly like action flicks and guys can certainly like chick flicks, and, uhm, welcome to Political Correctness 101. That may or may not be a post for another day.

Without covering the entire history of like, film and gender studies, the reason I’m saying this is, I feel like I’m being anti-girl to diss movies that are, simultaneously, targeted for girls and clearly shitty. Like I’m offending my mom. Mostly because my mom really likes movies that have happy endings and a scene with girls singing in pajamas.

But I'm really not a bitch, I'm just a girl who loves the color pink, cute boys, puppies, babies, nice people, flowers, sunsets, love songs, Britney Spears...and also a girl who would rather watch something like "Evil Zombies That Eat Cute Boys, Puppies, Babies, and all Nice People in a World without the Color Pink while Britney Spears is Trapped in the Fifth Layer of Hell Where No Love Song can Reach Her!!!"" than watch most of the movies made for girls.

And I'm not the only person thinking this--these movies (chick flicks) aren’t drawing a lot of money and have really brief box office runs. Maybe because they alienate half the population (boys) and recycle plots, jokes, movie stars, and give the remaining half of the population little reason to see the movie when they could just watch "Friends" reruns and laugh way more. And while there are quite a few movies targeted towards boys with senseless plots and dialogue as natural as Diet Coke, these movies can still make money. Because girls AND guys will watch these, no matter how crappy, because things blow up and also, they are usually funnier. Not smarter, but probably funnier.

All I’m saying is, if they won’t make smarter, better chick flicks, they could maybe blow things up in them. Starting with "Hairspray." At the part when they first sing, probably. Read more!

TV Shows are like boyfriends

Right now, my DVR is the most predictable and boring part of my life. In this peaceful hiatus before the impending deluge of Season Premieres, my DVR box is home pretty much only to The Daily Show. However, as the B-list shows start seeping their way back into my TV box... (read: The Hills, which I was surprised yet stoked to find out I actually record. It might be a leftover from an old roommate, but you know what, I fully enjoy the way they convey drama on that show.

Heidi: "So, yeah, I'm moving in with my evil toothy boyfriend."

Lauren [always]: contemplative yet injured and perplexed stare. Don't use your words, LC. Words are overrated when you WORK AT A MAGAZINE AND ALSO STAR ON A TV SHOW. Gosh, I guess dialogue is just not your strong suit. Cut to LA montage.) ...I find myself in a familiar quandry.

Ok, so long aside, but...



those Laguna Beach shows and all of their spin-offs are just straight genius. But that brings me to a more unfortunate epiphany. I plan on keeping The Hills in my life, for reasons I may elaborate on at a later time. However, there is this other show that has Jim Gaffigan (whom I freaking love) on it, but really it does just truly suck and I think it's time for us to break up. With my finger on the Edit Recordings button, I realize that television has elevated itself to a place in our culture where we have full-blown relationships with TV shows. Even most of those annoying people who never shut up about how they never watch TV actually do watch TV and have these little affairs.

For me, it works like this: I get involved. It can happen any number of ways, like maybe my boyfriend is obsessed with it already (LOST). Or maybe I read the recaps on Television Without Pity for a year since I don't get HBO (Big Love). Or perhaps, the planets aligned for a moment of perfect kharma and I simply stumble upon it (Project Runway). It doesn't really matter how it happens at first, just like real people relationships. What matters is the ensuing courtship. I test them out for a week or maybe two. If they suck, I dump them (Top Design). If they have potential of being an Intelligent Bang, I get a bit more serious (Heroes). It's when they start to define me as a person, or at the very least become weekly rituals that I secretly sort of obsess about inside for a minute or two every couple of days (The O.C.) that I realize I am in a committed relationship. I am vulnerable. If the show is brilliantly acted and written apparently by geniuses but two seasons in it becomes predictable and redundant, I might actually be crushed by this turn of events. I will probably keep watching for at least the rest of the season if not longer in hope of a reformation, but every date we have will be anticipated with a mixture of dread and foolish hope.

How true this is to the patterns of my actual romantic endeavors. I am a monogamist at my core, too many good TV shows and I get overwhelmed and inexplicably guilty. I am loyal to a fault, if the truth be told, I will follow a show I love to the shark jump and further still to its watery grave, defending it all the way (The O.C. again, more on that later). I hate to select that "Stop Recording this show" option, but I hate it even more when they break up with me. Read more!

The Origin of Species

E and M here. We wanted to write a “starter post” if you will, to kick off our much anticipated (well, by us and a few of our awesomeness savvy friends) foray into to the land of Blog. We got here by way of the Intelligent Design vs. Big Bang discussion, during which we concluded that sometimes two things that seem like they can’t hang out together actually can and really, they should, for everyone’s sake. Things like Kurt Vonnegut and Project Runway. Or maybe Virginia Woolf and Sex in the City. It almost makes you nervous just to imagine, right? But really, we are all about the undeniable truth that pop is culture and intellectual snobbery or cool kids playing dumb is just so cliché...



Do you ever play that game where you say “This person is like if so-and-so and so-and-so had a baby?" We do, and our favorite one, for the record, is if Marcia Cross and Gwen Stefani had a baby it would be Holly from the Girls Next Door. See? Fun!

If “Intelligent Design” and “Big Bang” had a baby, that would be weird. It could be named Intelligent Bang, but probably have a lot of issues, mostly controversial.

So that awesome name goes to our baby instead, who is both popular and smart. She is also delightfully innocent and uncorrupted, with a hint of sexual innuendo. This love child of pop culture and intellectualism has been developing for a long time, but the parents couldn’t really meet in public and most people didn’t acknowledge the relationship. Like in that movie A Walk to Remember, only instead of the cool kid falling for the religious nerd and feeling embarassed about it, we are smart people who like to watch E! and read magazines, and we have a blog instead of cancer.

The whole concept that if more than 100 people like something it no longer has value is narrow minded and boring. We are about relevance, in all its forms. Intelligent Bang will be raised in an environment that allows someone to love East of Eden and The O.C. as both are brilliant in their own (entirely different) ways. Also, things being awesome are accepted whether they were intelligently designed to be so or if a big bang of inspiration allowed sort of coincidental awesomeness, like Harry Potter or um, chocolate chip cookies. It’s kind of a liberal household.

Congratulations pop culture and intellectualism! Your baby totally looks like both of you. Read more!