"Real World: Sydney" Prevents "Down Under" Jokes

There are a lot of things one could say about MTV's "The Real World." There are also a lot of things one could say about apples. What I would say about apples is that they are delicious in pies. What I would say about "The Real World" is that it is damn brilliant.


Number one, documentaries were around since Jane Goodall took an interest in primates, but to document on film real life for young people, that started with "The Real World." For better or worse, thank MTV for all the rest of reality TV.

So its original. Fine. So is astro turf on flip flops, but that didn't really amount to much. (Shame, those were kinda comfy.)

Number two, it stuck to what works. The average good looking person is really fascinating. Average good looking people also tend to have sex a lot. Average good looking people do weird things for attention, and young average good looking people drink a lot and are typically self-obsessed.

But the average good looking person can also be a good person, a not so good person, etc. And watching seven of them, its always fun to play "F**K, Marry, or Kill." (Who do you want to f**k, marry, or kill? Sorry, parentals. Its all abstract thinking.) Its especially fun to watch them and think about who you relate to, who sucks and why, and not have to worry about it hurting their feelings, because they are real people but they are also on television. So it won't get back to them.


Actually, I was just watching episode six of the Sydney cast and I needed to bring up the show somehow.

Mainly:

Shauvon falls off of Isaac's knee and thinks she's bleeding and starts totally freaking out and yelling and cussing at Isaac. He refuses to apologize because, well, she fell about a foot and a half off his knee, plus she was wasted and playing Twister. Also, she landed on the carpet, on her ass, and there was no logical reason for her to react like she reacted. Basically, he had a point, initially.

He's sticking to the "she's not hurt, she's flipping out, and I didn't do anything so why should I apologize?" line of thought, but everyone else in the house is getting annoyed with her shrieking and urges him to apologize.

All he can get out is "I'm sorry gravity worked in your disfavor." (It's brilliant, but not necessarily grammatically correct all the time, much like yours truly.)

THEN they start getting really upset. They exchange words about when, exactly, Isaac should shut the f**k up, he disagrees, she throws some food at him, and he throws some food at her, she throws some water, he calls her a slut, she gets REAL mad and says, why, because I wouldn't have sex with you?

Kelly-Anne to the rescue. She take Isaac aside and rightly points out that sure, he is right, it wasn't his fault. But he had kissed Shauvon the day before, and her pride was hurt. All he had to say was something like, hey, honey, you all right? Plus, Kelly-Anne says, she's wasted, doesn't know up from down, and she doesn't know what she's saying. He concedes, and goes back in to make things right. Kelly-Anne struts back inside, triumphant that she fixed other people's problems since she can't fix her own, and Isaac follows behind her to, you would think, ask Shauvon how she's doing.

What happens is:

Shauvon is laying on the couch surrounded by the other girls in the house, who are cooing over her while she cries and looks very very melodramatic, much like you would imagine a drunk girl in her twenties to look after falling on national television and then being called a slut.

Isaac, walking in purposefully: "Shauvon...Shauvon...I apologize for calling you a slut, I shouldn't a done that, but I was a little angry, because its a very disrespectful thing to pour water on somebody like that...and I was pissed...and like I didn't mean like your a slut like that...when I just get up and start yelling at a girl, thats one of the first words that comes out is you're a slut, you're a whore....you're a (bleeped words...more bleeped words...Shauvon covers her mouth and starts sobbing again...)...ok...there's a bunch of other words that also that I'll start to say to girls just to make them pissed off...(scratches his face, starts slowing down, possibly noticing this isn't going as planned...Shauvon starts audibly weeping, Kelly-Anne reaches over and hugs Shauvon)....uhm, I just wanted to apologize for calling you a slut...(Parisa turns around to give him a dirty look as he says...)...so, uhm, you can apologize for throwing water at me whenever you want?"

(Literally, I watched this scene like twenty times to verify what Isaac says.)

Kelly-Anne, holding Shauvon's head and stroking her hair, whispers in Shauvon's ear: "Just apologize, apologize."

Shauvon, sobbing loudly, holds out her hands in confusion, and says: " I'm sorry? I'm sorry..."

Isaac, sincerely: " 'pology accepted. (Eyebrows raised appreciatively, and then, turning to leave the girls to their sobfest...) This was a good talk. This was a GOOD talk."

Later Isaac reveals that he is no longer comfortable with anyone sitting on his knee, ever. Shauvon cries more about the boy she left behind, who apparently proposed to her on the condition she give up her career so she could have his kids and time travel back to the 1950s. Then there is a comical reenactment by the boys of the house of the dramatic fall/water throwing, and Shauvon reveals that sometimes when she gets drunk she regrets what she said, especially what she doesn't remember saying. She also agrees that it is never appropriate to throw water on people's heads.

Sure, some bits are amped up. Some bits are oversexualized, overdramatized.

So what. So are sitcoms. People act a little differently on camera. Its not funny on purpose, but its not unfunny on purpose either.

So there's a lot of things you can say about "The Real World."

But don't ever say it's not educational.

I learned that playing Twister while intoxicated can lead to trouble, not least of which is being called a slut.

I learned that slutty activities include, but are not limited to, falling while intoxicated, throwing water, and abstaining from sex.

I learned that there are many ways to define a "good talk."

Finally, I learned that throwing water is disrespectful. I always thought it was flirtatious, like when you're on the beach, or helpful, like for when people are on fire. Now, I understand the true consequences of dangerously flinging liquids.

Seriously, though, how can you not be in awe of this show? How does it even exist? How do people not love Cohutta so much? He is adorable. Poor Kelly-Anne, in love with Cohutta. What kind of a name is Cohutta? Or Dunbar, or Shauvon, for that matter? Do they have to work at all this season or did I miss that? Why is Parisa so annoying? Shouldn't she be cooler? Why do I love Kelly-Anne even though she is a little bit of flirt? Why are there four hot girls and two southern boys and one guy from ASU? What happened to diversity? Plus are there no gay cast members this season? That means unlimited hook-ups between the boys and girls, and no off limits boys for the girls to confide in. WHAT? Will that even work?

So many questions...see, the show makes me THINK!

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My Intelligent Bangin' predictions for fall

OK, here we go. Everything before this was just a warm-up. TV is back in season and it's time to get your hunting license.
I'm totally sitting here watching the E! special on fall TV shows and honestly, it has just annoyed me into writing my own preview of the season. Apparently, a "much contested" couple on Grey's Anatomy will start off the season with an "I love you, too." Great. Apparently firing all the angry homophobes still doesn't cure the issues the writers of that show have with continuity and character development. Thanks, E!. Now I know. Wow, I just did not know how to handle all that punctuation two sentences ago.

So, here's my diagnosis of what appears to be a network season chock-full of of StupidBangs and a few redemptive IntelligentBangers:



StupidestBang:
Well, look no farther than ABC. They can pretty much always be trusted to fill this category. It was hard to choose from all the stereotypical character-driven feel good crap they have going for them, but I am going to have to go with...Cavemen.
Honestly, I know there are those of you out there who are willing to give this glorified GEICO commercial a chance, but come ON. Just read the description posted on the ABC website:

"Over the last hundred thousand years, mankind has evolved from primitive creatures to sophisticated beings, except for a small minority who unfortunately didn't evolve physically at all. Now three sophisticated cavemen (who already have a fan base from their popular GEICO commercials) are living in modern-day Atlanta, where they are at odds with contemporary society as they struggle to overcome their physical appearance and the accompanying stereotypes."

There is no way this is going to work out. Those stupid commercials are probably the least funny the GEICO marketing team has ever been, yet they won't let it die!! Hey, at least they haven't overplayed it to the point of "Thing X? $20. Thing Y? $87.65. Thing Z? $11. Thing that is intangible and unable to be measured in a dollar amount but occurs based on your ability to go into debt using a MasterCard? Priceless." The cavemen, having not been around for my entire life, have not yet annoyed me quite so much. But, they are making this StupidBang of a TV show and they have never incorporated an elephant and a zookeeper with a cold into any of their commercials (I cried at that one, not gonna lie), so they are working their way to being unforgivably resented and overplayed.

Most Indistinguishable (from each other):
And hey! It's actually not Grey's and Private Practice. I think I will be able to tell those apart when all the funny and interesting characters end up on the spin-off. The winner here has to be Big Shots and Carpoolers.
Both shows are about four men. Both shows emasculate said men by showing just how much they are like women! Oh my gosh, like Sex and the City, but for guys! Except, wait. Sex and the City for guys is Monday Night Football. Because Sex and the City was for girls. For a reason. Anyway, further similarities: both shows are trying too hard to reach the same demographic and they both are going to get cancelled. How can we tell them apart? Well, Carpoolers looks like it might actually be sort of funny and Big Shots is about rich guys. Oh and Dylan McDermott is in it. So, yeah.

Creepy/Intriguing-est
I am torn. I totally watched one of those marathons of Endurance on Discovery Kids. I can get away with it because it is part of my job to work with kids and come up with games and team challenges. So it's research. Honestly, though, it is so entertaining. It's like The Real World without the sex and alcohol. Oh wait, that doesn't sound entertaining at all. But it is, I swear. The next "strand the kids in the middle of nowhere and see what they do" show is Kid Nation. Undeniably, this is an interesting premise. But haven't these people ever read Lord of the Flies? I guess that's probably where they got the idea. Sucks to your asthmar.

Most Intelligently Bangin'

OK, I will go with one show from each member of the Trinity (ABC, NBC, CBS) that got my IB radar beeping:

ABC: Pushing Daisies
There has been a ton of buzz about this show and for good reason. Just read this promo from the ABC website--

"Pushing Daisies is a love story about a pie-baking young man with a very special gift… the ability to return dead people briefly back to life with just a simple touch -- enabling him to help a P.I. crack murder cases by asking victims to name their killers. Director Barry Sonnenfeld, writer-producer Bryan Fuller, and the producers of Big Fish blend romance, crime procedural and high-concept fantasy to create a fairytale in the spirit of Amelie, Stranger than Fiction, and Chocolat. Features a stellar cast."

I'll tell you what. If the same person who wrote this blurb writes the dialogue and comes up with the plot lines, this show just can't fail. Plus, Kristen Chenowith is in it and she is like the fulcrum point of awesomeness. Also, when she was interviewed about the show, she called it "fantasmaborical." That makes me think that the show will be simultaneously diabolical and fantastically orgasmic. Or would it be orgasmically fantastic? I don't know, but I'm excited!!

NBC: Chuck
This must have been what Josh Schwartz was doing during the fourth season of The O.C. But the man who brought us Chrismukkuh seems to have done something right again. The show seems funny and smart, and just like with boyfriends, what more do you need in a man/show? Also, judging by the preview, they seem to delve into the ever-relevant topic of nerd vs. geek definitions and that just turns me on.

CBS: Moonlight
I seriously do not watch any shows on CBS. Not one. But looking at their fall lineup, they are either really good at making crappy shows sound interesting, or they hired some new execs because I am intrigued. Moonlight was the show I finally settled on as having the most potential, but that might just be because I am a big dork and I will watch pretty much anything about vampires. I am not even joking when I tell you that my alarm clock is Buffy re-runs coming on at 7 every weekday morning. It's literally the only thing that wakes me up anymore. Moonlight sounds more like Angel than Buffy, but maybe more like the latter in that it could be a career launcher as opposed to "a job for people who used to be on Buffy (and no, SMG won't guest star. She thinks your neck is too wide, David Boreanaz...and vampires don't age. You're fired.)"

My only beef with Moonlight is that in this show, vampires can't die via wooden stakes. That is like, vampire fiction heresy. They just pissed off their whole demographic and most importantly, the people who would have stopped by their booth at Comic-Con.

So, we'll see. I could be completely wrong about this. I never would have guessed that The Hills would appeal to me on so many levels, but guess what? The New York Times merits it with an "undertow of gravitas" and call LC's dialogue "Austenian" so I feel validated in more ways than one.

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